Saying "Yes" To the Dress- A Year Later

Apparently, I'm all about the flashback posts right now. Since I didn't blog much about dating/engagement stuff on my old blog, and I didn't start this blog until after we were married, so much of my story is left to be told.

A year ago, my Mom and I went wedding dress shopping. It was a traumatic, horrible, terrible experience. We knew we on a tight schedule to get a dress ordered, tailored, and ready by a March wedding date, so we set off for David's Bridal. I had gotten both of my high school prom dresses there and was comfortable with how things worked, plus we were confident we could find something in the price range- and being from a small town, you only have so many options. We walked in and were greeted by enthusiastic, helpful employees and grabbed some dresses off the rack to get started. That's where things went downhill.

You see, while I'd been "recovering" from an eating disorder for years, it had only been a small period of time since my last relapse, which consisted of mostly bulimic behaviors. Thus, I wasn't really underweight, so when the behaviors stopped, the water weight/bloating/weight gain came on rather quickly (even to a "nondisordered" onlooker- I gained 30 pounds in 4 weeks, which is enough to freak just about anyone out). In the midst of the weight gain and swelling, here I was, trying to find a dress that could make me feel beautiful. I was in the middle of an experience that I had dreamed of for my whole life- I mean, what little girl doesn't dream of trying on wedding dresses and becoming a bridal princess? That day was nothing like I dreamed of though. It was just me and my mom- I didn't have many friends, and none that I was close enough to to invite to such an intimate event. I was attempting to find dresses, having no idea what size I wore, what size I'd be on the wedding day, if the swelling would go down, if I'd keep gaining weight- I was freaking out.

By the time I tried 3 or 4 dresses on, I was a mess. A terrible, horrible, crying mess that just wanted to lay on the floor. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't care about the stupid dress anymore. I told my mom that enough was enough and we'd have to come back another day. Every dress had something that accentuated some body part that I was uncomfortable with. They all seemed to squeeze the fat under my armpits. I felt like I was oozing out of my dress. Then, the wonderful angel of a lady that was working with us said, "Let me try to find just one more". We described the issues I was having, and armed with that information, she went looking for the dress...and boy, did she find it.

For the first time in ages, I felt beautiful. It was a little snug, so we ordered it a size up.
And I rang the little bell and said yes to the dress. :)

Now, that isn't really the end of the story.
Nope, of course not.

You see how those buttons are unbuttoned? That caused a problem.

In January, when the dress arrived...we had a bit of a problem.
The dress I tried on in November was a size 6.
We ordered a size 8.

Come January, the size 8 didn't fit once it was fully buttoned- yet I was the same size on the scale and in all of my other clothes- thus we blamed the buttons. DB was wonderful, and we tried some more sizes on, ended up reordering the dress- this time in a 14. For someone that is obsessed with numbers and sizes and body image, this was a terrible thing. I cried. I sobbed. I screamed at T that I wanted to relapse. That I wanted to get all of this water weight (that still wasn't gone) off of my body.

In February, I was hospitalized to try and figure out what the heck was going on with my digestive system. Why I was still retaining all of this water.

After many test, we still had no answers. I was more bloated than ever. I remember taking a picture of my stomach one night...I looked nine months pregnant, and that wasn't just the eating disorder voice talking- anyone I shared it was agreed. I was in pain, in agony- physically and emotionally.

A week later, I had my dress fitting for the tailoring.

It was terrible. I cried. My dress "fit", but I was so uncomfortable. Everything seemed so big. We couldn't take the part around my stomach in to make it as fitted as planned, since that would just accentuate the bloat that much more. I felt miserable, but I pressed on. The tailoring was finished. The final fitting, everything fit, and I "kind of" low-key liked it.

March 14, 2015, I walked down the aisle in the size 14 gown, and my groom told me I looked beautiful.

He didn't care if the bloat showed a little.

He didn't care about the number on the tag.

All he cared about was spending the rest of his life with me.

All he cared about was me being okay.

He thought I was beautiful.

He taught me I was beautiful.

And that's when I knew that all of the tears cried over the dress,

All of the pain that the process created,

It didn't matter anymore.

My beauty wasn't defined by a number on a tag.

It wasn't determined by whether or not I had "fat arms" sticking out of my dress.

All of that went away, all of that was meaningless, when I saw the look on my groom's face as I walked down the aisle of the church.

I was a beautiful bride.

Wedding Recap: The Ceremony

From the beginning, I knew that I wanted to have a ceremony that was special to T and I as a couple. Having a degree in religion, having done church work and written sermons, having written papers on The Wedding Feast of Revelation...I knew that we wouldn't be following any ordinary liturgy. I wanted a special, intimate ceremony, celebrating our union to one another, but more importantly- celebrating the goodness of God. I wanted Christ to be at the very center of our wedding. Luckily, our pastor was amazing and allowed me to write the ceremony. I'm so thankful that he allowed me to do so, and that he allowed me to have my special day the way that I had dreamed of.

Before the ceremony, I had a playlist of soft worship music playing to bring people into the atmosphere of worship, but the music in the ceremony itself was done by my brother and his band. They were amazing to work with. I really enjoyed the fact that my brother got to be a part of my day, that we were able to have a band, and that I was able to have control over musical composition and tell them how to sing the song. :) I'm sure that my constant changes to style and sound were annoying, but they put up with it, and even wore pi bowties. It was pretty neat.

The whole thing was actually a pretty-much family affair. Max and band did the music, my childhood best friend was my matron of honor, and the rest of the wedding party was Travis's family (his brother, sisters, brother in law, and father). Our adorable flower girl was our niece, she did AMAZING and made us all laugh.

 I walked down the aisle to "You're Beautuful" by Phil Wickham (but we did it more in the style of this cover by Sarah Reeves).

One of my favorite moments from the ceremony was the time when the doors to the sanctuary closed, and my father and I got into place. I was so worried about timing and having too much time between the wedding party and myself walking down the aisle, but time just flew, timing worked itself out, our flower girl made it down the aisle, and then, I heard these words as the doors opened and I walked to my groom.

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful

I can't put the feeling of pure joy that I felt at that moment into words. I was just so happy- the happiest I have ever been, and I could not stop thanking God for all of his blessings in this moment. You guys- God is so good, he is so so good. His story of redemption and restoration in my life seemed to climax at this moment.  All of my dreams from the time that I was a little girl and I started praying for my future husband were coming true. I was walking down the aisle to marry my best friend. And- I had my daddy by my side, wearing my favorite popsicle people tie.
And then...the ceremony started!

One part of our ceremony that was "different" was that my father didn't "give me away". I don't know, but the whole thing of "who gives this woman to be married" thing just didn't sit well with me. I mean, it's not like my parents aren't still going to be my parents, it's not like I'm not going to get to see them again, and I'm not cattle that is meant to be bought or sold. Plus, why is there so much emphasis on the bride's family approving and blessing the marriage, but no mention of the groom's family? Both of our families are very special to us, and I wanted both of our families to be involved, plus I wanted some audience interaction. So, I merged some things I read online together, added some of my own stuff, and came up with this:

A marriage is not only the joining together of two individuals, it is also a joining together of two families. The care, support, and nurture that has been extended to T and L by their families is just as important now as it has ever been. In fact, it needs to be extended now to include another person. Both families need to be committed to love and encourage both partners in this marriage. To honor this uniting of the families, L and T wish to ask their parents’ blessing. 

 (To the parents) Will you bless T and L in their marriage? Will you celebrate with them in their times of joy and bolster them in times of hardship? Will you offer them your love and encouragement?
We will.  

(To the congregation) Will all of you, by God’s grace, do everything in your power to uphold and care for these two persons in their marriage?
We will.

Sidenote: For our parents' responses, each of our fathers spoke on behalf of the families, T's father going first, followed by my father.

Then, we went ahead and got all of the legal stuff out of the way- we said our "I do"s and declared our intent, and then we proceeded with the rest of the service! It was very simple, "Will you have xxx to be your husband/wife, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, for better for worse, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

Once again, we continued the theme of nontraditional by choosing two portions of scripture from Revelation. Both of these held a special meaning to me, as I wrote my final senior paper in college on a chunk of scripture that contains these.

After this I heard what seemed to be the loud voice of a great multitude in heaven, saying, “Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power to our God,
And from the throne came a voice saying, “Praise our God, all you his servants, and all who fear him, small and great.” Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the sound of many waters and like the sound of mighty thunderpeals, crying out, “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready; to her it has been granted to be clothed with fine linen, bright and pure”— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are true words of God.” - Revelation 19: 1, 5-9

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.” And the one who was seated on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true.” -Revelation 21: 1-5

We stuck with a very simple ceremony, there was no message- our pastor read the passages and moved onward with the ceremony.

Before the wedding, I had gone back and forth about writing our own vows. I wanted to, but I wanted to maintain tradition. I wanted to repeat the same words that my parents and other family members had recited in the years before me. Then, the week of the wedding came, vows still were not written, and I was stressed out. One night, I think it was two nights before the wedding, I got a sudden stroke of brilliance around 2 am, when I was unable to sleep due to all of the stress of the upcoming wedding, and I wrote my vows. These are vows that I will cherish forever. I mean each and every word that I said that day, and I'd say them again over and over. I love my vows. I'm going to do a post on writing them and how I did that after I finish the wedding recap- so tune in for that in a few days!

Travis: Before I met you, I was sure I would be the guy version of an old maid.... Being single was what I was used to and I had almost given up on finding my lost rib. But even before our first date to Ci-Ci's, I knew you were different. And after our first trip to Texas, I knew I wouldn't want to live without you (and no longer trusted antibiotics). I promise to stay by your side and to love you most of all His creations down here and to move my stuff to the man cave without complaint.And if you get bit in the impending zombie apocalypse, you'd be the one zombie I don't shoot, even if it means that you'd bite me. I love you and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm excited to be rejoined with my long lost, finally found, rib

Mine were slightly longer...whatever. Our vows were "us" to a tee. T was short and sweet, I rambled on and on poetically. :)

T, From the time that I was a very little girl, I have dreamed of this day. I prayed continuously for my husband and the fact that you are standing in front of me today completely exceeds any expectations that I had. This moment is better than anything I could dream up. When you came into my life, I realized that what I had always thought was happiness couldn’t compare to the joy that loving you has brought me. I never thought that I could meet someone like you. I never thought I would meet someone like you. But, you are the person that God created for me. We go together like two pieces of a puzzle. You are my very best friend. You make me smile and you make me laugh. You are my everything. Your faith inspires me, your drive to seek truth and love compels me. You encourage me to be the woman that God created me to be and you accept me for who I am. You love me despite my imperfections and flaws. You are a breathtaking reflection of God’s heart for me, of how he pursued me and loved me even when I didn’t love myself. You held my hand in the darkness and you pulled me out into the light. You are my life. Because of you, I laugh, smile, and I dare to dream again.
 I am so proud today to call you mine and to become your wife. I have so much respect for you. I will follow and support you wherever God…or the United States Air Force…calls you to go. It doesn’t matter what happens in this life as long as I have you. You are, and always will be, the love of my life. Everything that I have is yours. I will love you without reservation, cherish you, and hold you in the highest regard. I will support you and comfort you, through life’s joys and sorrows. I promise to respect your aspirations wile recognizing that mutual respect requires mutual sacrifice. I will encourage you, inspire you, be honest and faithful to you. I will stand by your side-in sickness and in health, for worse or for better, in an apocalyptic scenario or a zombie invasion. By embracing our challenges together and with the Lord, we will emerge stronger than before. I vow all of this to you, knowing that none of it can be fulfilled thorough my own strength, but only as I continually strive to live in the strength, grace, and love that God provides me.
 Today, I get to marry my very best friend. I love you with all of my heart and I can’t wait to see what adventures God has in store for our life together.

I just love them. I just love them, love them, love them. Yes, we are planning on framing them and hanging them on our walls to remember for years to come. :)

 For the exchanging of rings, I really wanted to incorporate some aspects of a Jewish wedding. Honestly, I wanted a much more Jewish wedding than I got (i.e. smashing of the glass and some "Mazel Tov"s!), but we settled on this little bit (Travis still isn't too sure about my obsession with Judaism). I was viewing different wordings for the ring ceremony, and rather than the typical "With this ring, I thee wed" (that sounded way too formal and not at all us), we simply said

By this ring you are sanctified to me as my wife/husband in accordance with the traditions of Moses and Israel. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.

Our pastor followed up with by saying

May you remember to set one another as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for there is love that is strong as death and jealousy is as demanding as the grave. Many waters cannot quench this love, no flood can sweep it away.

I thought it was beautiful and it gave me that Jewish vibe I was going for, while incorporating some Song of Songs.

Then, he declared us husband and wife!

And the band started playing Taylor Swift's "That's How You Get the Girl" as we left!

I had earlier joked with T about how I was going to sing and dance my way up the aisle, and I don't think he totally believed me. But, I was just so so so happy, so I had to dance. It was so much fun, we laughed, and I just loved it.

After we exited, the band broke out into a medley of songs that use the same chord progression as "How You Get the Girl"- it included some Journey ("Don't Stop Believing") and some "Country Road Take Me Home",  I think some harmonica, and who knows what else. I have no idea- I had gone into a room to be alone with my new husband for a few. All I know is that my mom had to finally tell them to stop so that everyone would leave (it was apparently a fun thing and people were mingling and having a great time) and go to the reception, so that we wouldn't beat them downstairs. :) We had a recording of the wedding (that I hoped would show the exit so that we could listen to the medley), but something happened and the files and disc decided to not work. So, if anyone who was there does so happen to have a copy of the exit (or just a recording of the medley), I'd love to see/hear it- send it my way!

Next up- the reception!

Wedding Recap: Outside Pictures

We had multiple things going against us for outside wedding pictures.

First, the weather forecast predicted bad weather- at the very least rain, and the possibility of severe weather, like tornados (wouldn't that have added excitement to the day!). But, the rain stayed away and the sky lightened long enough for us to grab a few photos.

Second, I married the self proclaimed "evil albino king", which means- he doesn't like sunlight. Therefore, T kept closing his eyes- which in turn made pictures difficult. But, we stuck with it, our photographer was amazing and didn't give up on my groom.

We did eventually find a covered place in the back of the church that provided some shade, some light, and some of the buildings blocked most of the sun. We were able to grab a few shots (YAY!) and laughed a whole lot. We did decide that all of our wedding party photos would be inside though- formal pictures in the sanctuary it was. Hey- I'm not into those overdone Pinterest photos anyways. ;)

We also figured out that pictures taken with our foreheads and noses together seemed to work pretty awesome. So, we took lots of those- which really quite accurately describes us as a couple- because I just love playing "nosey-nosey" with the things I love- my cat, my husband, you get the idea.

These are my favorites from the wedding. I'm pretty excited about getting some printed to hang in our home. Considering the circumstances- I'm calling them a success!

Wedding Recap: First Look

Due to several things, I had already decided before T and I were even a "thing" that I wanted to do a "first look". First of all, I have major anxiety issues, and I knew that seeing my groom pre-wedding would make things much less stressful (for the record- it was). I highly recommend that anxious peoples like me do this. I wasn't afraid of him leaving me at the alter, it was comforting to have him around, and- let's face it- I already had to take multiple anxiety prns before the wedding and was still having anxiety attacks- I think I would have died if I had tried to wait to see T until the ceremony. Plus, it meant we could take pictures together, with our wedding party, and with our families before the wedding and not have to worry about people having to wait around at the reception for all of us to show up. All in all, I thought it was a wonderful choice. 

Our wedding coordinator/my mom's BFF/my second mom highly recommended that we did the first look due to the above issues. She (and our photographer) agreed that we wanted it to be as intimate of an event as possible, and we still wanted to maintain the traditional experience of me walking down the aisle to meet my groom, so we did our first look in the Sanctuary where we were to be wed, and only us and our photographer were in the room. Yes, only T, Julie, and I were in the room. I made it clear on our wedding itinerary (yes, we had a 15 page wedding itinerary that I created and sent out to all involved- I'll talk about that at a later time, but I feel like it was the greatest idea I ever had) that I wanted this to be private and that I didn't want anyone else entering the room, I wanted all doors closed, and I didn't want anyone watching from the windows (or at least, I didn't want to see them doing so). It might have seemed a little Bridezilla-ish, but that's how I wanted this sacred moment to go down- so that's how it happened. I'm glad I stood up for myself, because I cherish the moments that T and I were able to have (mostly) alone. Our photographer was great- she stayed out of the way and I didn't even really realize she was there- she moved quietly and didn't interrupt us, which was great. 

Yes. I cried. It was out of happiness and disbelief that all of this was really real and I was really getting to marry my best friend. They were happy tears- I promise. :)

And T laughed at me the whole time that I was crying. And then, he made some inappropriate joke (okayyy, it was probably "appropriate" being that we were to be wed in a few hours and we had a wedding night coming up- but you get the picture...as my dad liked to say- #handsoffpotthoff).

And I have to throw this one in there- I just love my dad's face/reaction. Originally, we planned to do a first look with my dad before, but timing and stress...it just didn't happen. So I was happy that our photographer captured this moment.

First look- check! Next up- our wedding pictures!

Wedding Recap: The Little Details

Now that wedding pictures are finally in, it's time to blog about the wedding!

I've been debating about how I wanted to do this. Do I want to blog about every single little thing? I mean, it kind of was a big day, and we had an awesome photographer- so that means that I have approximately 400 pictures to share. Eek. After some thought, I've decided that I'm going to break it down into a few different posts, with each one sharing little snippets of our day. I'm going to try and share as much as I can about our big day without taking up too much space- and I'll be posting additional pictures on Facebook and Instagram as we go! Let's get started!

I've always said that I wanted the bulk of the budget of my wedding to be put towards the photographer. To me- the photographs are something I have from that day that will last for years and years to come. People told me throughout my engagement that the wedding day would be such a blur and that I'd probably not remember most of the details. They were right. I remember next to nothing from my wedding day. I am so thankful to have amazing photos, thanks to Chanterelle Photography. Julie was amazing to work with from the very beginning. I contacted her back in November to book the wedding, and I have been thrilled to have chosen her, for many reasons. She made me look and feel beautiful in my pictures, something that happens less often than I'd like. I'd recommend her in a heartbeat to anyone looking for a photographer in Alabama (and she travels!). 

I thought that it might be fun to start with some detail shots. These are some of my favorites that Julie took before the ceremony and while we were getting ready.

Our main "colors" were pink and gold and white and everything burlap and baby's breath. I aimed for a whimsical, vintage inspired, Spring wedding with as much pink sparkly things that T would allow. :)

As you can tell, we really embraced the DIY-ness of mason jars, sparkly ribbon, and baby's breath. I just love baby's breath. Sidenote: we made a lot of our own decorations, and I assembled the flower bouquets (I used artificial flowers from Jo-Ann Fabric and Crafts- made a couple weeks ahead of time). The heart painting was created by T, and we used it as a guest book at the ceremony and reception for people to sign and leave messages. You'll get to see the finished project in a later post. This really helped us personalize the wedding to be more whimsical, vintage, and "us". Plus, when you only have four and a half months to plan the thing- it's easier to go simple and homemade. Hey- I liked it, T liked it, we all liked it- I think it was a great idea (and honestly- it wasn't too stressful).

Now- on to the dress and other fun girly details!

My dress was purchased from David's Bridal. Honestly, I should probably give the story of the dress it's own special post, but let's just say- it was an adventure. Trying to get a wedding dress in four and a half months is stressful enough when you add in alterations. Add in the fact that I was beginning recovery in earnest (meaning, I began retaining massive amounts of water during those four months and my weight fluctuated about 35 pounds), my weight decided to redistribute in all sorts of crazy places, which meant we ended up purchasing a dress too small, which meant we had to reorder the dress in a larger size (causing it's own set of mental anguish), I had my alterations appointment a week after I got out of the hospital (due to needing to have some tests run due to digestive problems and the water retention- which meant I was retaining even MORE water and I was at the highest weight I'd ever been/super body self conscious)...it was crazy. But, in the end, I ended up with a dress that fit, for the most part. Since we had to purchase a larger sized dress, it ended up being way more low cut in the front than I felt comfortable in, so the week before the wedding, my mother added in a "modesty panel" (honestly, it was just a triangle of fabric, but it was a delicate process), and I felt much more comfortable. I'm just happy to say that the dress fit on the day of the wedding and that I loved it! 

Note to potential brides: going to weight gain and redistribution during the same time that you are purchasing a wedding dress...is HARD. I cried a lot over this dress. But in the end, I had a beautiful wedding, I got married to my best friend, my husband thought I looked amazing- that's what matters. Not the size on the label in my dress.

My shoes were probably my favorite part of my wedding attire. I searched for months and months for these things. It all started when I saw someone wearing gold flats and I was like- THAT is what I want to wear on my wedding day. Four months later- still couldn't find any ballet flats that I liked and that fit my feet (I have narrow feet and long toes). I resigned myself that I was probably going to end up in an old pair of flats or barefoot. About a week and a half before the wedding, T and I were at Target and I found these pretty little things- exactly what I had been looking for and dreaming of- in the shoe section for under 20 bucks. Score.

And that's it for this post! Yay! 

Come back and see pictures from our First Look...tomorrow!