late night ramblings

to the one who feels like she should have spoken louder
she should have said no more clearly
who still holds a slight belief
that it might have been
her fault
who stands in the shower years later trying to wash away
the shame
trying to feel clean
even though the clean feeling
it never comes
and she's left feeling
dirty
why can't she get over it
why can't she just move on and believe that
she is more than what once happened
i hear you. i am you.

to the wife who cringes at her husband's touch
who never knows when
that feeling from the past
will come back and take over
and the fear will make her cower away
and then the shame comes in
and she's left crying and feeling
guilty and alone
like she'll never be enough
it isn't his fault
he deserves better
she doesn't love herself
so how could he possibly love her
why can't she get over it
why can't the past be the past
why can't she move on and trust
and believe that the love is real
i hear you. i am you.

to the mother that desperately wants children
but dreads the exams
and the birth of childbirth
who cringes at the feeling of her newborn being laid on her chest
that just wants it off
wasn't nine months enough
my body
my body
the one who chooses not to breastfeed because she can't stand
not being in control
having no control over her body
letting another human grab at her as it pleases
feeling helpless again
why can't she just get over it
why can't she just move on and nourish her child
rather than feeling the guilt
that she can't do the one thing she was created to do
i hear you. i am you.

for the one that enters the doors of the church
the place she has always called her home
to do the the thing she loves
only to be told that she's a risk
that because of the thing that once was done
not by her choice
she can't fulfill her calling
suddenly the sanctuary doesn't seem so safe anymore
suddenly the cross seems more like a wall than a bridge
suddenly everything changes and
who can she even trust anymore
why can't she just get over it
why can't she just move on with her life and follow her dreams
rather than feeling marked and dirty sitting in the back row
she slips out
nobody notices
maybe its easier to walk alone when you're broken
i hear you. i am you.

Expectation vs. Reality

Sometimes I look at my life and I think "WOW. This has turned out nothing like I expected!". Some days, that's a good thing. Some days that's a bad thing.

I'm coming up on five years since I graduated college, and with that comes a lot of emotions. It's been since I last held a "job", since I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, since I went to treatment for the first time, since I was "supposed" to go to grad school...

I think had you asked the girl in the picture above where she would be in five years, it might involve being a social worker, working in the foster care/adoption field. She might think that she'd be married...maybe just engaged. Possibly a baby. Probably still living in Alabama. She'd probably tell you that she'd be *completely* recovered and have a healthy relationship with food and body image (though she'd probably also tell you that she's weight restored right now and would weigh 115 pounds for the rest of her life, thank you very much...*cough*not happening*cough*).

Last week while visiting my parents, I took my little girl down to that same patch of grass and thought about all of the memories that had happened in that park- and I thought of the picture that I posted above. I thought about what five-year-ago-me might think if she met today-me. I think that she'd laugh. I think that she'd cry (happy and sad cries). Today, I live roughly 830 miles from home. I haven't been to grad school...haven't had another job. I've come to realize that complete recovery from this monster of an eating disorder isn't as easy as I once thought, it's far more ingrained in my brain. Further recovery and pregnancy have brought many more pounds to my body, which messes with my body image, but I am far healthier (and I have an adorable child). But...it's not all sad. I'm happily married to a man that loves me (and my body) more than I could ever imagine. I'm married to the One who makes me laugh and brings me more joy than I thought existed. I'm married to my soulmate, the one who has already in the three short years we have been together, loved me in sickness and health, for better or for worse, and has never left me. I have a daughter who shows me the meaning of wonder on a daily basis, who gives the best slobbery kisses, and who melts my heart when she calls me Mama.

In the end, is it really all that bad that life didn't turn out how I had planned? Is it possible that even though there are still struggles, my life might actually be better than I had planned? 

Jeremiah 29:11 says,

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I've read this verse for years. I mean, I think it's on every single Christian graduation present out there. It's everywhere. I've always read it looking forward, looking out- but today, I'm reading it backwards, because it has been fulfilled in my life. I've always read it to mean that God has a plan for my future, even when things seem dark at this moment. I've read it that there is a future hope. But today, looking back at the last five years, I feel like I have made it into the hope and future. There were days in the last five years when I prayed that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I was tired of fighting the battles within. But, God had a plan for my life- a plan wilder and crazier than I could have ever dreamed of. A plan involving a kilt-wearing man showing up at Cici's for a first date and end up in an engagement a month later, a wedding six months later, and a baby a year after that. A plan that would involve not just one move away from Alabama, but two moves in the first two years of our marriage. A plan that showed just how great and mighty God is, that He could use me in my darkest moments, bring light into the darkness, and bring me into a season of hope- a future. Five years ago, I might have read that verse to mean that God had a career or ministry in mind for me- but today, I look at that verse and I see my life. I see that the journey to get to this point may have been very painful, but we (me + God) survived.

So, five-year-ago-me, throw away that color coded Excel spreadsheet plan of your life. God is laughing at you right now, oh ye of little faith. He's got something so much bigger and so much better in store for you- you just wait!

And today-me? You do the same thing. God isn't through with you yet. Are the struggles gone? Is your life over? Then, neither is this journey. You've got another seventy-five years in you at least, I'd guess (my people like living really, really old, okay?)- let God lead the way and see where He takes you. Maybe there's something bigger, just waiting right around the corner.