"hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that"

I feel like any time a racial issue comes up in the news (i.e. Ferguson, Baltimore, Charleston), people are quick to bring up the issue of removing confederate flags from all aspects of society. With the events that unfolded in Charleston this week (where a horrible, despicable act was committed against people because of their race--a racist act, a hate crime, a terrorist attack--I'm not here to argue and bicker about what you want to call it), people began calling for the confederate flag that is flown at the South Carolina state house to be taken down. I get it. I do. You think it will make everything better and not encourage the racism even more if we just try to stuff it away in a box in the back of the hypothetical closet and pretend like it never happened...but here's the thing: IT DID. And the civil war was not just about race, regardless of what you are reading in your common core history books these days.

Here's the thing: I have no problem with them flying the confederate flag at the South Carolina statehouse, for one reason and one reason alone--it's at a confederate memorial at the statehouse. It's not South Carolina still trying to cling onto the confederacy and dreams of secession. It's about remembering the men that gave their lives to fight for freedom- even if they were on the "wrong side". Not every white man in the South owned slaves. Many of the boys and men that fought in the Civil War fought because they thought that they were fighting for states' rights, for pursuit of "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness". They were fighting for their independence. Many of them fought because it was "the thing to do". Was slavery wrong? YES. A million times yes. Is slavery today still wrong? YES. A million times yes. But, we cannot go back and erase the past. We cannot purge the events of the civil war from our country's history. We cannot continue to go down the path of political correctness, affirmative action, and pretending like our actions today can somehow erase what was done all of those years ago.

This is my great-great grandfather. He was one of the last surviving civil war/ confederate veterans alive- he lived until the ripe old age of 109 (technically, that's all fairly debatable and it's a huge controversy in Florida, where he has a memorial at a courthouse or something- census records indicate he might have been five at the time of the civil war, but for the sake of argument- he was super old). When I see the confederate battle flag, I think of this man. Obviously, he died WAY WAY WAY before I was born, and he did have a bit of hatred of Yankees- but that was it. There's nothing in the history of Uncle Bill that indicated that he hated "the black man"- just that he really really wished he had shot the Yankees when they were crossing some bridge and he had the change. Do I know the whole story? No. I don't claim to. There could be more to the story than I know- but to me- the confederate flag represents a memorial, a remembrance of this man- not a symbol of hatred. Uncle Bill fought for freedom and independence and states' rights. And hey- sixty something years after his death- he's the great-great grandpa to my youngest brother. Can't you see the resemblance? :)

Yes- at the same time that I have a great-great grandfather that fought for the Confederacy, I also have a little brother that is black. I have a little brother who has grown up in Alabama and had to hear endless, relentless jokes about "fried chicken, koolaid, and watermelon". At a young age, my baby brother associated the confederate flag as being a symbol of people that hate him, of people that think he has no worth or value, simply because of the color of his skin. Here in Alabama, racism is alive and well. 

Here's the thing: We can't afford to forget what happened- from either point of view.  

We can't forget the boys and men that fought for independence and freedom. Our nation was founded on some of these very same principles. The leaders of the confederacy felt like the federal government was infringing on their states' rights- much like we do today when a Supreme Court issues a ruling that declares a state law limiting abortions or banning gay marriage "unconstitutional". There is a times and a place for remembering the sacrifices that they made- some with the ultimate cost of their lives- thus, I am not against flying a confederate flag at a memorial marker or cemetery. 

We also shouldn't hide the "dirty" parts of our past and stick them in a basket in the back of the closet. We have to learn from our past so that we do not continue to make the same mistakes in the future. Racism is a horrible monster that has attacked America in various ways, shapes, and forms. Slavery, segregation, and now we are separate because we are trying so so hard to forget that all of that happened. We are trying so so hard to ensure that nobody is ever offended, that everyone is given an equal opportunity- even if it means we give certain, less qualified people a leg up so that we can meet our racial quotas. (Please note: I'm not against giving everyone a fair and equal shot- I just don't think people should be discriminated against of ANY race) The civil war was an important part of our nation's history, and it would do us well to not forget that. We CAN'T erase the things that our ancestors have done, but we can act differently today. Taking down all of the confederate flags, pretending that everything has always been awesome, and pretending that some people are "owed" more because of the travesties against their ancestors is NOT the answer. The Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote these words:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction ... The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The solution to the problem of racism is not suppression and hiding and forgetting- that just multiplies the resentment and bitterness and hate. Confederate flags didn't cause the Charleston shooting- hate did. We don't fix racism by giving people a reason to be racist. We fix the problem one person at a time, by showing love to ALL of our brothers and sisters. We love them like Christ loves us, his bride, the church. We love them. We love them. We love them. We can't fix racism by adding more hate to the equation- that is why I love the response that some of the relatives from the Charleston shooting told to the accused murderer- they told him that they forgave him, they encouraged him to repent and come to Christ- they didn't try to damn his soul- they loved him. Let us follow in their example. Rather than doing silly, meaningless things like take down flags from courthouses, why don't we watch our words? Why don't we be extra careful that we aren't saying something that degrades another human being, another child of God? Why don't we reach out and be a light to our communities. If someone needs food, give them food. If someone is thirsty, let them drink. If someone needs shelter or a family or a home, let us give them that. Let us be the very hands and feet of Jesus, a light shining in the darkness, a city on a hill, for darkness does not drive out darkness- love does.

I Never Thought I'd Be a Military Wife

I never thought I'd marry someone in the military. I mean, it just wasn't something I'd ever really thought of. I've had family members serve in various branches of service, my dad was in the air force for a few years, but in all honesty...it wasn't in my plans. It wasn't a part of my picture perfect, color coded, Excel spreadsheet. While my ideas of where I'd live and where I'd start a family varied throughout the years (at one point, I was highly interested in big cities like Atlanta or New York City- because obviously if I was the star broadway actress that I wanted to be in fifth grade, that would be how things went down), when I actually "grew up", I imagined a life and starting a family in my hometown (something I would have NEVER considered in high school- I wanted to get far, far away from there). I imagined a life where we'd have dinner with my parents once a week, and go to church with my family, and go to baseball and football games for my youngest brother. I imagined my kids going to the same elementary school that I did, having the same preschool teachers as my brothers. Keeping things the same seemed safe and comforting. I mean, why would I really want to move away from all of this? If we did move out of the tricounty area, it would obviously be somewhere still in the South, and we'd live there until our kids finished school at least- no moving. While I'd be a stay at home mom, my husband would work a nice, safe, typical, 9-5 job. We'd have weekends together, go to church together. It would all be...comfortable.

But, alas, things changed when I met T. It was September 2014 and we met online and I knew he was in the air force, so I knew that his service would be a part of our relationship. He worked weird hours, but it was fine, because it was still during the day. It was normal, right? We could make this work. And then- things quickly changed. About a week after we started dating, he informed me that he had applied for graduate school and if accepted, he'd be moving to Ohio in August 2015. I was shocked. I mean, how could we do this long distance? I knew he was the one that God had prepared for me, but I was so confused and scared about being in a long distance relationship. Three weeks later, we were engaged to be married, with the intent of being married sometime between January and March- so that we would have been married approximately six months before everything was thrown upside down and we relocated. In January, he learned he had been accepted into AFIT and we would be moving. It was also in January when he went back to working nights. The way his current position works is that he works 3 months days/3 months nights. I hated it when we were dating, but eventually I was able to somewhat adjust my sleep schedule, so I at least go to see him. :) He went back to days in March around the time we got married, and we are still waiting to hear if he will go back to nights in July (it would be hard, since he'd be starting outprocessing stuff at that point). In addition to his crazy schedule, he is literally always on call. Leave is pretty much the only time we are "safe" for him to not get called in. It's only happened a few times, but it really stinks when you are in the middle of a fun date day on a day your husband is off, and he gets a call telling him that they need him to report for duty. Granted, its always been just a little paperwork thing, and he comes home a few hours later, but it stinks to know that you can't go more than a certain distance away without leave.

I was reading an article the other day that was complaining about how military members and their dependents got all sorts of "free" stuff- healthcare (which, I should add- it's required that any full time buisness offer healthcare. Yes, ours is free. But, I can tell you that there is a reason it is free- its a huge hassle, there are multi-week waits to get into see a doctor, EVERYTHING has to be preapproved unless you are dying, and most non-on base doctors that accept Tricare are terrible), the commissary (yes, it's tax free, but I promise that it's not always cheaper), on base rec facilities and work out rooms (okay, that is a pretty nice perk- but I've never used them, so I have nothing to complain about). In response to these complaints from the Washington Post and others, this blog wrote:

Service members, retirees and their families, the tone says, are acting like privileged brats for expecting, accepting and clinging to the benefits which encourage them to stay military or even to join in the first place. In fact, the tone says, it is a waste of tax payer money to meet military personnel needs or even give nice-to-haves in exchange for keeping them around. Service members are overpaid, coddled low-skill workers who should not be given compensation for the inconveniences of military life, but who should still be expected to do their jobs anyway. It’s a tone that says if you had to join the military to make it through life you are, logically, a substandard American worker and you do not warrant compensation in excess or even equal to the civilian market. Civilians are people who have choices and didn’t take the easy out of Uncle Sam. Military are people who are living off the tax payer.

Okay...I get it, we are living off of the tax payer.  But isn't that the point? Aren't presidents and governors and senators and other political people living off of the tax payer? I don't view it like I view Medicaid/Medicare (even though most doctors and pharmacies do!)- how I view it is like this: Service members put their lives on the line every day. They are in control of nothing- a commander can tell you that you are moving to this squadron or this job and all of your hours will change. You can get deployed with very little notice. You have to move every few years. Military members and their dependents give up a lot of things- some have to sacrifice more, due to their assignments. Not all service members are uneducated- to be an officer, you have to have a college degree (I think...don't quote me on this). My husband was enlisted, then he decided to go to the Academy. That's a prep school year, and four years of college-at a service academy. With his degree, he could be doing well in the corporate world (not to say that we aren't doing well, but you know what I mean- it wasn't like he joined the air force because it would be easy and he didn't want to flip burgers). It took hard work and perseverance to get to where he is today. I don't think that any rational person would look at his accomplishments and say that he was a "substandard American worker" or a "overpaid, coddled low-skill worker". I don't think he took the easy way out, I don't think we took the easy way out. The way I see it, not only does he work a high stress job, we also get to PCS (move) every two or three years. This means that our kids will most likely go to at least four to six different schools. This means we will be moving and selling and renting all the time (until he retires, of course). This means that our kids won't be able to grow up down the road from either set of their grandparents. This means that I get to find a new therapist every two years (which is normally a minimum set of time for me to actually get used to one).

So yes, Washington Post writers- you are paying for my "healthcare" and my kids schooling (if we go to DOD schools). Yes, you are funding a commissary and workout facilities. Yes, you are paying for various services to be provided to us on base for free or minimal cost. But really, what would you do without us? What would you do without brave men and women fighting for your freedom to write that article and to say those statements? You get to stay in your comfy little house in your comfortable community while other men and women leave their families for months on end to keep you safe. Sure, you don't have a guaranteed job- but, if you want one...who knows...the military might offer someone was "substandard" and "low skilled" as you a guaranteed job- if you are willing to sacrifice for it.

Sorry for this whiney-MILSO post. I generally try to avoid stuff life this, but today it just bottled up. I don't want to move. I like our house now that it's all prettyfied. I like our town. I like being close to my family. I don't like the idea of having to keep my house super clean so that it can be ready for a showing at any given time. I don't like the idea of moving 9 hours away to a place I've never been. But, I'm doing these hard things anyways. I'm packing up our stuff. I'm researching places to rent. I'm doing everything my mind is telling me that it doesn't want to do- because I love my husband and I promised on our wedding day that I'd "follow and support [him] wherever God…or the United States Air Force…calls [him] to go." The sacrifices that this military wife life requires are worth it, because it keeps our freedoms, our children's freedoms, and our children's children's freedoms alive.

What I Wish You Knew: Anxiety

I skipped church again last Sunday. And the Sunday before that. And the Sunday before that. To be honest, I haven't attended a service in months. I wish you knew that I hate this. I wish you understood how much I hate this, how much I really, really hate the control anxiety has over my life. I wish you understood how crippling anxiety really is. I want so badly to be “better”- to be able to go places and do things. But, I get so anxious that it literally pains me to sit still. My hands and legs won’t stop shaking. Sitting still, as is expected by an adult in church, is excruciating- both physically and mentally. When I do make it to church, I have to leave. This is extremely embarrassing.

Why do I struggle so much at church? Many reasons- the amount of people, the unknown, the fear of judgement, the fear of God, the fear that a pastor is once again going to call anxiety a sin and make me feel like a bad person. All of this makes walking through the church doors extremely difficult and sitting through services seems impossible. I feel hopeless. I want to go to church- it’s the “good Christian girl” thing to do- but I cannot make myself do it. I was reading a blog the other day that was talking about how churches could be more inclusive to children, teens, and adults with special needs. I think these paragraphs explain quite perfectly why I don't going out trying new churches every Sunday in hopes that I'll find one, and why I'm not looking forward to that process once we move to Ohio. If you are a ministry leader, I encourage you to think of these things:

Signage is an important component of any review of ministry environments. Are directions clear and simple? Do they avoid “insider lingo?” For example, a visitor to my church wouldn’t know that our large group children’s ministry is “Upstreet” or that “Circle of Friends” is our special needs ministry.
As someone with ADD and a history of anxiety/depression, I wish I could impress how simple and effective it is to clearly communicate traffic patterns, church campus and parking entrances and parking directions with signage–even mapped on websites. I’ve had this discussion with many friends and was relieved to learn I wasn’t alone but surprised that churches generally know about the issues but fail to address.
I’ve visited churches and left before reaching the parking lot if the traffic was overly stimulating and the parking lot was confusing and poorly marked. I’ve turned around in a parking lot if I couldn’t find the correct entrance after parking and leaving my car. Imagine having a panic attack with a car of family, forcing yourself to go in while wanting to cry in the bathroom–avoidable with clear signs and a good map on a website. I’ve prioritized visiting churches over others because their websites and info provided clear campus maps for first-timers. I’ve found I’m not the only one–and I’m a committed, life-long church attendee who prioritizes the community component. I couldn’t imagine being new to the church experience–it almost wouldn’t be worth attending church in person.

I wish you understood that my anxiety is out of my control right now and I can’t help it. I’m trying my hardest, but it’s not always enough. I'm taking my meds, I'm going to therapy, I'm practicing my DBT and stress tolerance skills. But sometimes, it is just too much. I want you to know that some days I can't get out of bed in the morning. Some days, I just lie in bed for hours, thinking of all of the things that I have to do that day, thinking of all of the people I might have to encounter, thinking of the places that I might have to go. I know- I used to be okay with large groups. They weren’t my favorite, but I could handle them. I wish you understood that my anxiety comes in phases. I can do things one day and not be able to do it the next.

I wish you could see and understand that this is not how I want to live. It’s not always a choice. I did not choose this illness, this disease. My body is forcing me to act this way. My brain doesn't function right. There's a chemical imbalance. I don’t know how to fix it. It’s really scary sometimes. I wish you could understand how physically uncomfortable my anxiety is. If you see me twitching or moving or having trouble sitting still, offer me grace. If you see me walk out of service, try not be be distracted or draw attention to me. Please, don't judge me. I'm trying. I'm trying.

I wish you understood that anxiety isn’t a joke or a laughing matter. Panic disorder and social anxiety are scary and hard- they definitely aren’t something to joke about. They are painful and sometimes they make you feel like you are going to die or that dying would be better. It is hard to live this way. I would never choose to live this path, but it’s the path I’ve been given- so I’m trying to accept it. It is serious and it’s my life right now. I’m struggling to accept it- but I am surviving. Please don't make this any more difficult by making jokes at my expense- or at the expense of ANYONE that has an anxiety disorder, not everyone verbalizes their anxieties- some people keep it hidden for years and years. And please, please, please...if you are a pastor of some sort- never ever ever make an anxiety joke from the pulpit. That's the number one way to get me to walk out of church and never come back.