Expectation vs. Reality

Sometimes I look at my life and I think "WOW. This has turned out nothing like I expected!". Some days, that's a good thing. Some days that's a bad thing.

I'm coming up on five years since I graduated college, and with that comes a lot of emotions. It's been since I last held a "job", since I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, since I went to treatment for the first time, since I was "supposed" to go to grad school...

I think had you asked the girl in the picture above where she would be in five years, it might involve being a social worker, working in the foster care/adoption field. She might think that she'd be married...maybe just engaged. Possibly a baby. Probably still living in Alabama. She'd probably tell you that she'd be *completely* recovered and have a healthy relationship with food and body image (though she'd probably also tell you that she's weight restored right now and would weigh 115 pounds for the rest of her life, thank you very much...*cough*not happening*cough*).

Last week while visiting my parents, I took my little girl down to that same patch of grass and thought about all of the memories that had happened in that park- and I thought of the picture that I posted above. I thought about what five-year-ago-me might think if she met today-me. I think that she'd laugh. I think that she'd cry (happy and sad cries). Today, I live roughly 830 miles from home. I haven't been to grad school...haven't had another job. I've come to realize that complete recovery from this monster of an eating disorder isn't as easy as I once thought, it's far more ingrained in my brain. Further recovery and pregnancy have brought many more pounds to my body, which messes with my body image, but I am far healthier (and I have an adorable child). But...it's not all sad. I'm happily married to a man that loves me (and my body) more than I could ever imagine. I'm married to the One who makes me laugh and brings me more joy than I thought existed. I'm married to my soulmate, the one who has already in the three short years we have been together, loved me in sickness and health, for better or for worse, and has never left me. I have a daughter who shows me the meaning of wonder on a daily basis, who gives the best slobbery kisses, and who melts my heart when she calls me Mama.

In the end, is it really all that bad that life didn't turn out how I had planned? Is it possible that even though there are still struggles, my life might actually be better than I had planned? 

Jeremiah 29:11 says,

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I've read this verse for years. I mean, I think it's on every single Christian graduation present out there. It's everywhere. I've always read it looking forward, looking out- but today, I'm reading it backwards, because it has been fulfilled in my life. I've always read it to mean that God has a plan for my future, even when things seem dark at this moment. I've read it that there is a future hope. But today, looking back at the last five years, I feel like I have made it into the hope and future. There were days in the last five years when I prayed that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I was tired of fighting the battles within. But, God had a plan for my life- a plan wilder and crazier than I could have ever dreamed of. A plan involving a kilt-wearing man showing up at Cici's for a first date and end up in an engagement a month later, a wedding six months later, and a baby a year after that. A plan that would involve not just one move away from Alabama, but two moves in the first two years of our marriage. A plan that showed just how great and mighty God is, that He could use me in my darkest moments, bring light into the darkness, and bring me into a season of hope- a future. Five years ago, I might have read that verse to mean that God had a career or ministry in mind for me- but today, I look at that verse and I see my life. I see that the journey to get to this point may have been very painful, but we (me + God) survived.

So, five-year-ago-me, throw away that color coded Excel spreadsheet plan of your life. God is laughing at you right now, oh ye of little faith. He's got something so much bigger and so much better in store for you- you just wait!

And today-me? You do the same thing. God isn't through with you yet. Are the struggles gone? Is your life over? Then, neither is this journey. You've got another seventy-five years in you at least, I'd guess (my people like living really, really old, okay?)- let God lead the way and see where He takes you. Maybe there's something bigger, just waiting right around the corner.

Who is Wiferella?

My name is Lauren. I am a newlywed (see picture above, I'm the one on the right in the pretty dress- my handsome goofball of a husband is on the left). I am married to my very best friend- I may have had to wait twenty four years for him, but he was totally worth the wait. T is a LT in the US Air Force (we shall call him T on here to protect his identity and keep PERSEC and OPSEC and all that fancy military lingo...I don't want no terrorists tracking my man!). We currently live a town near where I grew up (my parents house is 15 minutes down the road), but we are preparing for our first PCS in the fall. To be honest, I'm a little nervous about moving ten hours away from the only home I really know (we moved here when I was four) and yeah...but I said in my vows that I'd follow him wherever God or the US Air Force led us, so I guess that's life as a military wife.

We got married at a small ceremony about three weeks ago. It was simple, but it was totally us and I loved it. I got to walk down the aisle of the church I grew up in, our families were there, and we had pie (it was on Pi Day!). I can't wait to share more about our day, but I'm waiting for our professional pictures to come back before I recap too much of the wedding. Just know that there were super cute tree stump cupcake stands, a zombie cake, and we wrote our own vows. I think that's enough of a sneak peak, for now. 

I'm a self proclaimed theology nut. I got a Bachelor of Arts in Religion at Huntingdon College, which is located in Montgomery, AL. During the course of my college years, I attended three colleges, had five majors, and finally settled where I did. I'm glad I did, because I really enjoyed my major, but there isn't much you can do with a religion degree, I'm not very interested in going to seminary or becoming a pastor, plus throw in the whole "moving every 2-3 years" thing- it's probably just really good prep work for becoming an awesome stay-at-home, homeschool mom. Right now, I'm a "stay-at-home wife"- and it's actually been pretty fun once I got used to it. I do most of the cooking and cleaning, and I get to spend time with my husband on days when he is off (he works a super weird schedule). 

I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and all sorts of other fun stuff. I fight a daily battle to recover from perfectionism. Basically, I have more issues than the DSM-5 can handle and more issues than Vogue. But, on a positive note- things are going really really amazing at the moment. I'm pretty much recovered from the eating disorder, and I can generally manage the rest with meds, therapy, and my amazing support system. Recovery is the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life- but it's also the best thing I've ever done. Deuteronomy 30: 15-16, 19 is one of my favorite sections of scripture. It reads,

See I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, keep his commands; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess…now choose life.

These verses spoke very clearly to my heart. God wants me to choose life.  If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or any other mental illness, reach out. I'd be glad to talk, contact me at one of the links at the top of the sidebar. Please know that you are never ever alone in your struggle and God loves you- no matter what!

I think that's all for today. I've got a few errands to one- mainly a trip to the grocery store to get the one item I went to the grocery store for earlier...and then walked off without. Oh- and thank you notes. I don't even want to think about those. Thinking about them makes my hand hurt, but I love the feeling of writing a handwritten, heartfelt thank you note! I can't just write "Thanks for the gift. You are awesome."...I have to launch into some grand explanation of how they've changed my life and how we are going to specifically use their present...I'm probably overanalyzing things, but whatever!