And if not, he is still GOOD

But even if he doesn't, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up. 

-Daniel 3:18

This verse has been echoing through my mind the last few days. 
There's just so many things that I seem to be waiting for, and sometimes it feels like they are never going to come. It can be really really hard sometimes not to lose it. It can be really really hard sometimes to not give in and blame God. It can be really really hard sometimes to not turn to false idols, to not let my dreams and ideas and plans become these idols. I mean, sure- I'm not worshipping Buddha or Baal- but these things- these good things- can still become idols in my life if I keep building them up and letting them get in between me and God. 

I'm about to get a wee bit personal here- and vulnerable- and I'm a little scared to write what I'm about to write and publish it on the internet. I SO so so don't want to hear lectures about how we aren't ready, or now is not the time, or about how I just need to be patient and give it some time. I know, I know...if I'm overwhelmed with our new puppy- I definitely shouldn't be wanting to add a baby to the mix. So please- I'm asking you- don't offer advice. I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and chat with you guys for a minute and let some thoughts out. Okay? Awesome. With the knowledge that we were going to be making a nine hour move five months after our wedding- T and I started discussing the idea of having a baby. I mean, it started innocent enough. We weren't going to be super-psycho-serious about it- we were just going to let things happen if they happened, if you know what I mean. Well a month later, a day late, and a negative test later- I was devastated. Sure- I "knew" that making babies wasn't that easy. I knew it could take some time. But suddenly- I really really wanted to be pregnant. I really really wanted a baby. Its become a bit of an obsession over the last four months. From ovulation testing, to other things that I'm not going to discuss on a public blog that my father reads (Hi Dad!), to obsessive peeing on a stick- I began to feel very very negative about myself. I mean, surely- if God had put this desire to be a mommy in my heart all of those years ago- wouldn't he make it easy? Why are we not getting pregnant? Why can't a stupid line show up on a test? Why do I feel the need to let the results of a test define my worth and value? I feel like everybody that I know is announcing a pregnancy. No lie- I had three announcements on my Facebook timeline last Saturday. I began to beat myself up internally. I began to believe awful, terrible lies about myself and about God. My innocent longing to be a mommy turned into an anger against God. What horrible thing had I done to deserve this? Does this mean that I'm going to be infertile? What if we can never have a baby? What if it's just me and T and our new puppy forever and ever? I began to fall into the shame spiral. I began to let the darkness engulf me. And--I might have wasted another pregnancy test that I knew was going to be negative because it was way, way, way too early for anything.

No, I don't have a cute little announcement at the end of this post about how the last four months have been insanely terrible but that some magical glitter sparkle baby dust flew into me and decided to form a baby. It hasn't yet. Like months 1, 2, and 3...I'm still waiting. But, when I came across this verse at the beginning of the post, it really made me began to think about how I'm made my ability (or lack thereof) to bear a child into an idol. Even if we don't get a positive this month- HE is still GOOD. Even if we don't get a positive this year- HE is still GOOD. Even if we never ever ever get a positive pregnancy test or are able to carry a child- HE IS STILL GOOD. I don't have to turn to false gods, I don't have to curse the name of God, I don't have to say that he is an evil evil god because he won't give me a child to carry in my womb. I can know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to HIS purpose. I can know that God DOES have a plan for my life, and T's life, and our life together- and if it is his will, he can make any kind of miraculous act occur. Patience. Patience. Waiting. Waiting. This really really stinks. But, in the middle of the mess, I know that even if my plans don't come to fruition, even if it takes a long time, or never happens- he is still good and I will worship Him.

"hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that"

I feel like any time a racial issue comes up in the news (i.e. Ferguson, Baltimore, Charleston), people are quick to bring up the issue of removing confederate flags from all aspects of society. With the events that unfolded in Charleston this week (where a horrible, despicable act was committed against people because of their race--a racist act, a hate crime, a terrorist attack--I'm not here to argue and bicker about what you want to call it), people began calling for the confederate flag that is flown at the South Carolina state house to be taken down. I get it. I do. You think it will make everything better and not encourage the racism even more if we just try to stuff it away in a box in the back of the hypothetical closet and pretend like it never happened...but here's the thing: IT DID. And the civil war was not just about race, regardless of what you are reading in your common core history books these days.

Here's the thing: I have no problem with them flying the confederate flag at the South Carolina statehouse, for one reason and one reason alone--it's at a confederate memorial at the statehouse. It's not South Carolina still trying to cling onto the confederacy and dreams of secession. It's about remembering the men that gave their lives to fight for freedom- even if they were on the "wrong side". Not every white man in the South owned slaves. Many of the boys and men that fought in the Civil War fought because they thought that they were fighting for states' rights, for pursuit of "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness". They were fighting for their independence. Many of them fought because it was "the thing to do". Was slavery wrong? YES. A million times yes. Is slavery today still wrong? YES. A million times yes. But, we cannot go back and erase the past. We cannot purge the events of the civil war from our country's history. We cannot continue to go down the path of political correctness, affirmative action, and pretending like our actions today can somehow erase what was done all of those years ago.

This is my great-great grandfather. He was one of the last surviving civil war/ confederate veterans alive- he lived until the ripe old age of 109 (technically, that's all fairly debatable and it's a huge controversy in Florida, where he has a memorial at a courthouse or something- census records indicate he might have been five at the time of the civil war, but for the sake of argument- he was super old). When I see the confederate battle flag, I think of this man. Obviously, he died WAY WAY WAY before I was born, and he did have a bit of hatred of Yankees- but that was it. There's nothing in the history of Uncle Bill that indicated that he hated "the black man"- just that he really really wished he had shot the Yankees when they were crossing some bridge and he had the change. Do I know the whole story? No. I don't claim to. There could be more to the story than I know- but to me- the confederate flag represents a memorial, a remembrance of this man- not a symbol of hatred. Uncle Bill fought for freedom and independence and states' rights. And hey- sixty something years after his death- he's the great-great grandpa to my youngest brother. Can't you see the resemblance? :)

Yes- at the same time that I have a great-great grandfather that fought for the Confederacy, I also have a little brother that is black. I have a little brother who has grown up in Alabama and had to hear endless, relentless jokes about "fried chicken, koolaid, and watermelon". At a young age, my baby brother associated the confederate flag as being a symbol of people that hate him, of people that think he has no worth or value, simply because of the color of his skin. Here in Alabama, racism is alive and well. 

Here's the thing: We can't afford to forget what happened- from either point of view.  

We can't forget the boys and men that fought for independence and freedom. Our nation was founded on some of these very same principles. The leaders of the confederacy felt like the federal government was infringing on their states' rights- much like we do today when a Supreme Court issues a ruling that declares a state law limiting abortions or banning gay marriage "unconstitutional". There is a times and a place for remembering the sacrifices that they made- some with the ultimate cost of their lives- thus, I am not against flying a confederate flag at a memorial marker or cemetery. 

We also shouldn't hide the "dirty" parts of our past and stick them in a basket in the back of the closet. We have to learn from our past so that we do not continue to make the same mistakes in the future. Racism is a horrible monster that has attacked America in various ways, shapes, and forms. Slavery, segregation, and now we are separate because we are trying so so hard to forget that all of that happened. We are trying so so hard to ensure that nobody is ever offended, that everyone is given an equal opportunity- even if it means we give certain, less qualified people a leg up so that we can meet our racial quotas. (Please note: I'm not against giving everyone a fair and equal shot- I just don't think people should be discriminated against of ANY race) The civil war was an important part of our nation's history, and it would do us well to not forget that. We CAN'T erase the things that our ancestors have done, but we can act differently today. Taking down all of the confederate flags, pretending that everything has always been awesome, and pretending that some people are "owed" more because of the travesties against their ancestors is NOT the answer. The Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote these words:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction ... The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The solution to the problem of racism is not suppression and hiding and forgetting- that just multiplies the resentment and bitterness and hate. Confederate flags didn't cause the Charleston shooting- hate did. We don't fix racism by giving people a reason to be racist. We fix the problem one person at a time, by showing love to ALL of our brothers and sisters. We love them like Christ loves us, his bride, the church. We love them. We love them. We love them. We can't fix racism by adding more hate to the equation- that is why I love the response that some of the relatives from the Charleston shooting told to the accused murderer- they told him that they forgave him, they encouraged him to repent and come to Christ- they didn't try to damn his soul- they loved him. Let us follow in their example. Rather than doing silly, meaningless things like take down flags from courthouses, why don't we watch our words? Why don't we be extra careful that we aren't saying something that degrades another human being, another child of God? Why don't we reach out and be a light to our communities. If someone needs food, give them food. If someone is thirsty, let them drink. If someone needs shelter or a family or a home, let us give them that. Let us be the very hands and feet of Jesus, a light shining in the darkness, a city on a hill, for darkness does not drive out darkness- love does.